One Year Ago

people: I promise to edit this later. Blogger, in Explorer won't let me spell check, so I'll have to do it in Chrome later today.

Having said that---------------

How times change! Looking back through all of the pictures from last June, and seeing all the tiny ages of people, I have to admit that I felt a wave of all kinds of emotions. First nostalgia. I just love the chubby little infant limbs and dimpled everthing. I love the sweet fresh innocent babyness, and the perfectness of the baby faces. Cupcake is so small too, and was in such a sweet and happy stage. If there ever were a sunshine of a toddler, it was her. I see Muscle and love him so much, remembering all the special moments we shared together, he and I while the others slept.

But I also look at those three chunky little girl bodies and honestly remember how much I had to carry the three of them, and what that felt like. It felt heavy.

I look at the tiny little infant mouths shaped in freeze frame little O's and remember how much I was nursing those sweet little mouths. Five times, in tandem, every day, and two times a night, at the least. That nightime part was until about 13 months. (yep. thats how long it took. Ouch.) Fresh in my memory is the burning of my arms as I hefted those two out of their cribs, to my bed, where I tried to feed them. And lets not forget having three tinies in diapers. Do you know how many diapers a mom changes if she has two newborn infants, and also a one year old? Don't do the math. Especially if you're expecting twins. Just gloss over that.

I actually loved those days so much, and hung on every adorable expression, every new word from C, and every new development from Muscle. I know I loved them truly because as I look at all those digital photos, I remember how I felt as I took them. I felt like I was capturing eternal moments of bliss that if I did not click, would be lost to memory, which would be a travesty. There. Thats the dramatic thought that was really there during all those back yard and Sunday mornign photo sessions. Embarassing, but at least I know I loved it. And I really did. (I still love it).

But as I flipped through the thousands of chubby infant phase pictures I also felt a surprise something in my stomach that felt like...... nausea. Yup. Nausea. Because it was A LOT of work, and even though I did have a small handful of angels who knew what to say, or when to drop by and chat, I really did all the everything all by myself, my parents and siblings states away, and my wonderful husband nose to the grindstone, elsewhere. It was more work than I want to think about right now as I blog in pleasant silence.

I never anticipated feeling this way as I looked back this year. It was a very happy year for Mr. and I. We felt so blessed, and I'm a person who loves to be busy. We loved welcoming in our precious babies, and feeling the new fulness in our home.

I guess what this shows me is how much things have changed, even in the past few months, and how much I really was doing before the developments that changed things took place. Its just so much easier now. I no longer have to heft two loaded carseats in and out of the car every time, carry every sweet little person to and from bed, etc etc. Now each person walks to and from their side of the car and can even help aim arms through straps a little.
Cupcake is totally fluent and silly as a two and a half year old, capable of so much more than last year, sitting on an adult chair, opening and shutting doors, self dressing, good at helping pick up, playing games etc.

I feel a little guilty saying this, but one of Muscle's best developments between four and five has been his ability to do things independently. Like Legos. I can find a set for him, and he just dissapears with it for a while, and comes back later, a happy boy. I love this. He is also the grand marshall of car ride dynamics. He sits by the babies, in front of C, distributing snacks and toys, and keeping the peace. Can I tell you now nice this positioning is??

I also couldn't have gotten through this last year without our AWESOME yard. It's nothing revolutionary, but I can go out and put everyone on the grass, or plant strawberries, watch people make mudpies, etc. My parents always said that one of the things that enabled them to have the children they did was the large property we lived on. I now see just why they said it.

Another thing that made last year liveable and do-able was my fantastic friend and partener, J. This guy didn't have a lot of practice with certain things when we got married. Not everyone learns everything about baby care and keeping a ship shape house growing up. But he has REALLY come through. J has always woken with babies. Carrying them to and from my bed, or offering a bottle, if the infant would take one. When I think of the fatigue of the infant year, there is no doubt in my mind that even though J worked a few cities away, we shared it pretty equally, especially taking into account the nights. This, I feel, is rare and amazing. I still remember a friend, JL telling me that even with a baby around, her husband told her only to wake him for one of two reasons, one, if someone threw up, and two... well, would be unmentionable. J is up at the first whimper, in order to protect me from having to make a trip, so I can have better energy the next day. I am so glad that this quality was not taped to his chest during his dating phase of life. He never would have made it single, to the end of my mission. 

Now that I'm writing about last year, and am starting to pinpoint how much we really were up against, and how much we came together to not only shoulder the load, but to celbrate each day, and find joy toghether, I now realize just how awesome we are. (sorry for this self proclamation of coolness, but I just need to say it. We are awesome for the way we untied and moved through.) 

I also see that all that this kind of work does not come to nothing. Term papers, tests, laundry, organization jobs, well, they aren't eternally building things. But our little family is. Each totally sleep deprived night did not pass to accumulate into nothing. Rather, they all built on each other to make a year that grew and progressed, and created something amazing, development.

I have always been fascinated by the growth of plants. They way they grow so resiliently, so beautifully, so full of both drive to progress, and innocence, simoltaneosly. It strikes me that children, and family and love can all be this way as well.

Now that the wave of nausea has passed, I look into thesse adorably succulent and sweet little photographed faces and feel what I felt first, which was and is swelling adoration of them, as only the mother of a tiny child can feel. Not only that, but I feel incredible pride at the enormous mountain that J and I are negotiating together. I'm so proud of this time, especially when you add into the picture that J is also almost finished with his PhD. Pretty cool.

One year ago we were miles away from where we are now. MILES. And each one was kind of like a handcart mile. Lots of beauty, but also lots of work But we made it this far, and it has been wonderful. Not simple. Not vacation. But so so wondeful, and we are so grateful for every bit of it.

If we could go back again and make choices differntly, we would not. We would choose it all over again. I love our path. And I am so grateful that I have such a strong, loving and affectionate partner in J. Nothing is better than looking over at him, and seeing him looking back with adventure in his eyes.

My Dad always quoted John Muir "When you go to the mountains, you always find more than you seek." Well, its true. Lets just leave it at that. And we know, because in at least one way, we're there. Four kids five and under--there aren't more beautiful mountains. I love them.